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Iâm wondering, should I take the friend in question aside and point out this dish situation to her? Thanks for signing up! A: I am so, so sorry. For each event, the cost of lodging, food, and alcohol were all rolled together and split equally. I stay at home with our infant and toddler. I leapt across the bed and was begging him and pleading with him to put the gun down, to give it to me, saying that he was going to hurt himself or me. You can cancel anytime. Your husband is now on medication (itâs unclear what medication this is, what the side effects may be, or if drinking while on this medication is particularly dangerous), but he is refusing to discuss his recently terrifying, profoundly violent, unstable behavior. Boyfriend makes âjokesâ that hurt my feelings. But there is no reason good enough that would justify his behavior that night or since. If itâs not too far out of your budget (Ã la the other letter writer this week whoâs suddenly been hit with twice the cost of her plane ticket in order to cover fancy wine tastings, etc. I understand it may seem odd at first to call what he did this weekend abusive, since so much of his violence was directed toward himself, and itâs clear from your letter that you love him very much and want him to get help. Of course, I don't want to hurt their feelings so I will just have it by joking. My sister and I made Motherâs Day breakfast on Sunday at my place before the three of them departed. My father-in-law has personally apologized to me for the âtroubleâ he caused, while my mother sulks. But yes, you can absolutely just say, âI really donât want to get a tattoo. Taking away the keys isnât good enough. Am I being an inflexible curmudgeon? Thanks! As an âI donât mean to be a botherâ kind of person, it is out of my comfort zone to ask for any exception. Q. Watch Queue Queue I love my mother, I am sorry she is hurting, but literally every one of us told her my father-in-law was a hound dog. Do not make jokes that are offensive or rude, and that will hurt the feelings of people around you. Re: Heartbroken: She has to tell the cops what happened so they can flag her husband and ensure he wonât pass a background check to buy another gun. For the party youâve already sent the money in for, unless youâre in dire need of it, I think you should let it go. "What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Seriously. He is a very charming man. Say something like, âI know you meant it as a joke, but it hurt my feelings.â If you can say it in front of others, it may be even more effective. If you need some time to not talk, instead just ask them for some time away so that you can gain your composure and continue the conversation another time. Alternatively, perhaps I should simply eat off of the dirty plates and be grateful for my friendâs hospitality. But he destroyed part of your bathroom and threatened you with a gun. How can a joke hurt someone? Sure, you might feel like it sometimes because everyone has their annoyances and bad days. I thought weâd all enjoyed ourselves, and we were happy to spend time and money planning a lovely dinner, customizing a cake, ordering flowers, and hosting everyone for the weekend. Watch Queue Queue. My instinct here, based on how you describe your friendsâ response and the euphemistic language around your grandfather and the commonplace nature of the sentiments the joke attempts to legitimize, is that what you said was pretty shocking/cruel/out of line (which is why you didnât include any details) and that the friend who was particularly hurt may have been (in)directly targeted by it. A man goes to a doctors office, and says âWhenever I touch anywhere on my body, it hurtsâ He touches his arm, and screams in agony. 2. Posted by 7 hours ago. I am devastated and humiliated. Iâve tried apologizing. OP, I know this must seem like an overwhelming series of tasks, especially because right now all you want is to move forward and put this behind you. Itâs a common problem. A: I think thatâs right. It is mostly my in-laws (stepsisters and their kids, my cousins, etc. Relevance. 3 Answers. I could hear him in the shower punching the glass. On the other hand, part of the bachelorette party ethos is about supporting the bride and creating a memorable, convivial atmosphere thatâs a lot more relaxed and uninhibited than the wedding itself, so part of what youâre doing in contributing financially is adding to that atmosphere, not just tallying precisely what you yourself eat and drink. Q. That is, I donât like jokes that hurt peopleâs feelings, but I do claim a right to stand up against any groupâs loud self-importance. I am tired of people using the "joke" excuse when they hurt somebody's feelings. I hope you do tell your family what youâre going through if you feel like they can offer you meaningful support, although Iâm curious, if the rest of your family shares your grandfatherâs apparently common views, how helpful theyâll actually be when it comes to meaningful reflection. I finally got it out of his hands and was able to hide it from him, as well as another gun and the keys to the safe where the third gun is. There are a lot of sensitive people in this world and what might seem like a joke to you, may be offensive and hurt someoneâs feelings. Todd has done this, but itâs very difficult for him. Man- âHow many wrinkles does a jack-ass have around his ass?â Womanâ-I donât know how many?â Man- Smile â¦ Yes indeed the Fat jokes, they are funny and somewhat cruel. Donât assume thatâs not a major incentive. When you first meet the person you plan to be with, it's difficult to know where they draw the line between funny and decidedly unfunny. She has to do everything possible to block his access to firearms. Slate relies on advertising to support our journalism. He made an appointment to see a psychiatrist, and heâs since started medication (that he doesnât really want to take). Using jokes as a way to hurt someone is also a threat to girlsâ integrity. Hereâs an edited transcript of this weekâs chat. What are some common subjects that people like to joke about? :Â How do I get my 4-year-old to stop tattling? All the times that weâve eaten at her house, Iâve noticed that the dishes are not clean. This is easy to do and we do it all the time as humans. The pain doesn't go away, ever. Q. Today, I want to step back from yesterdayâs claim. That his horror at his own actions has not translated into meaningfully changing his behaviorânot to mention the fact that heâs emotionally punishing you for his own night of violent terror, and it sounds like the guns are still in the house tooâtells me that heâs not prepared to take responsibility for what he did. Submit your questions and comments here before or during the discussion. By joining Slate Plus you support our work and get exclusive content. 5. If your husband is so concerned about helping his friend, why doesnât he volunteer to share pickup duties a few days a week? We need to go through certain struggles to grow in your life. What do you think? What do I do? 15. âI donât careâ. I think right now is a very dangerous time for this letter writer, especially if she tries to live with him (even only temporarily), and that itâs not just appropriate but necessary to file a police report. I have spoken to my husband and Todd to no avail and tried to let it wash off my back until the last incident. This isnât the man I knowâthis was a side of him Iâve never seen before. We had decorations, flowers, and a custom-made cake ready when they arrivedâa joint effort among me, my sister, and my husband. Find a friend or a relative you can stay with tonight. Basically my friends now think Iâm a horrible person who actually believes the things in the joke.â If you didnât want your friends to think you actually believed whatever the joke was about, why did you say it? Too often these jokes contain kernels of truth, words that girls want to express but feel too nervous to say in a more serious tone. If itâs inappropriate for her to sleep with your father-in-law, itâs surely just as inappropriate for him to sleep with your mother, and the fact that he treats all of his romantic and sexual partners badly all of the time doesnât exactly mean it should be laughed off. Youâre not even refusing to offer child care; youâre just saying that since Toddâs mother canât drop his son without demanding additional housekeeping and offering you insults, Todd needs to make sure you donât have to interact with her. But now itâs like heâs upset with meâhe wonât talk to me about any of it and has pushed me away, barely speaking to me. Do not go back home as long as the guns are still in the house. The joke was told to me by my grandpa, and itâs the kind of joke thatâs common where Iâm from, so although I knew it was a bit out there, it never occurred to me how badly it would be taken. "Iâm jealous of people that donât know you!". If you try to demand they go back to the way things were, youâll risk alienating them forever. Youâve run out of free articles. Join Slate Plus to continue reading, and youâll get unlimited access to all our workâand support Slateâs independent journalism. It may help to ask your mother for clarity on whether or not she knows anything about your fatherâs email before deciding how to respond to him. "Please shut your mouth when youâre talking to me.". My father-in-law has one saving grace in that he cared for his stepchildren as his own (one stepdaughter and her son currently live with him). So he told me Iâm ugly, too. I want them to know that they just can't go easy on me. 2. It's something that every couple needs to figure out for themselves, because we all have a different tolerance for sarcasm and jokes that barely masquerade as bitterness. My mother caught him cheating. While your friends arenât available to offer you feedback, you may want to do a little soul-searching and ask whether youâve told milder versions of that joke in the past and ask yourself how you want to act differently in the future. And you'll never see this message again. I love you both, and Iâd be happy to come with the two of you when you get yours, but itâs my body and I donât want to put a tattoo on it. First things first: This goes way beyond just being âin a weird mood,â and your goal right now should absolutely not be to âmove forward.â Your husband very nearly killed you and himself this week. You say that you tried to warn her in advance, but my guess is that he didnât lead with âHey, I cheat on everybody I date.â He may very well have given her a plausible justification or charming deflection. You canât not be my friend. I'd like to use that kind of joke those people whom I think can't catch directly to what I am trying to say. I have been invited to, and will be attending, two bachelorette parties this summer, both hosted by the brideâs siblings whom I do not personally know. My parents just had a divorce after being married for 30 years. 1 decade ago. All contents © 2020 The Slate Group LLC. I am not. Re: Heartbroken: Getting herself out of the house isnât safe enough. 6. The host cooks, and we rotate hosting so that the work is spread out evenly. Maybe thatâs just his ways, and he doesnât want things to be absolutely couple type between you two. If I was serving people on dirty plates, I would want to know, but Iâm not confident that she would feel the same.
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