I pondered how to start this article about dating advice for women. Hell. I pondered whether I should even publish it.
My outline was completed long ago. I knew exactly what I wanted to say.
I just didn’t know quite how to start it. But now I know.
I’m going to begin by issuing a warning.
If you decide to read this article, you may lose much of the novelty of dating.
You might become the person at the magic show who already knows all the tricks.
But, if you decide to continue reading then I’ll make you a promise in exchange for your time.
By the end of this short article, you will be armed with enough knowledge and a trick to help you expertly navigate the start of all future romantic relationships.
I will give you two pieces of my best dating advice:
This rule is designed to keep you out of trouble in the first place. Specifically, sex too soon if you don’t want it.
It’s very easy: Don’t go to his house.
By not going to his house, you are not permitting the necessary logistics for sexual advances.
But if you go to his house, even without the intention or thought of sex, it becomes much easier to say yes if he knows how to turn you on.
A man becomes very available to meet a woman he has no long-term intention with if the likely outcome is sex on the first or second date.
If you’re not interested in quick sex and want to know his true intentions, I recommend you not ask directly. After all, he doesn’t know who you are and you don’t know who he is. It’s best to obey the first dating rule and not allow logistics.
The first dating rule sounds easy and it is. But there’s some trickery that men have developed to circumvent the alert in your head. (Watch this if you’re a woman reading this to hear a male dating coach’s advice.)
Let me provide some examples…
Are you meeting at his house before the date? Not anymore.
Did he buy something during your date which he needs to drop off at his place? End of date.
Did he invite you inside while he calls the cab? No thank you.
Does he want to show you something at his place (his dog, a nice view, etc.)? It can wait.
This rule should be followed with one notable exception: when you want to have sex.
This article is not about cockblocking men or slut-shaming women. It’s about putting the decision into the hands of the woman. It works out better for both parties this way.
The second dating rule is designed to keep you out of trouble when you’re already in trouble.
It’s your insurance policy. Plan B. But, it’s not easy. First, I need to explain the “awkward threshold”.
Remember the last time you got that awkward feeling in your stomach when you wanted to, but didn’t say something? Maybe you weren’t sure if you’d sound like a dummy? Maybe he was really cute? Possibly you just weren’t sure if it was appropriate? Or maybe it had the potential to be socially embarrassing?
I’m sure you can remember an example from just the past week, but if not…
Could you look your Mom or Dad in the eye and say “I love you.”
Could you go up to a cute guy on the sidewalk and start a conversation?
How do you feel when a homeless man asks you for money on the street?
Anytime that you are unsure how to communicate in real life, that is your awkward threshold.
If you have a low awkward threshold, which you probably do, it might look something like this…
My roommate and I came back one day to find ant spray on the table. The cleaner must’ve left it. Upon examination, the stuff was straight poison. We also realized the pleasant smell we came back to after the cleaner finished, was actually the smell of this poisonous ant spray. We both decided we didn’t want her to use it in our house anymore.
When the cleaner came back, I tested my roommate’s awkward threshold by asking her to tell the cleaner not to use it anymore. Well, she didn’t. Instead, she hid the ant spray to avoid the “awkward” conversation.
I put “awkward” in quotes because this situation was not at all awkward. It’s totally normal to tell your cleaner, who you’re paying, that you would prefer she no longer used the ant spray.
Coincidentally enough, in the middle of writing this article, I got the opportunity to increase my own awkward threshold.
I was at a Starbucks in Jakarta, Indonesia on the day of my flight and I was about to go back to my room to pack, but I had a Starbucks gift card only valid at this cafe with a balance of about two coffees.
I figured I should probably give it to someone. The shop was packed. Who do I choose, I thought? What if the person doesn’t speak English? That will be awkward.
I see an older white guy sitting in the corner. I think that he most definitely speaks English, but now will people think I’m racist, choosing the only other white person in the cafe?
We’re in the middle of the Coronavirus pandemic, will he get offended that I came so close to hand him something? All these thoughts ran through my head. Plus, it just felt a little bit awkward to go up to a stranger and give them something. There was that awkward feeling, so I went for it.
Sure, it was a little bit awkward. But it was much more rewarding to increase my awkward threshold.
Can you think of another situation, specifically a sexual one involving a man who you’ve been on at least one date with, which might require an in-person awkward conversation or comment?
You want to increase your awkward threshold. More on this below, but you do this by acting on that awkward sensation next time you feel it. Let me emphasize once more how difficult this is. It’s tremendously difficult!
But, super important. Even more important than the first dating rule.
Having a high awkward threshold can get you out of sexual trouble when you happen to find yourself in trouble.
Remember the trickery from above? The more times you go to Mexico, the probability of being ripped off is astronomical. Likewise, the more times you date, you’re likely to accidentally find yourself in an awkward situation.
Assume you’re already in his house, maybe his bedroom. How awkward would it be to stop everything in the middle of a sexual encounter and tell him that you’re just not 100% into him right now?
Let’s back up. Take this common example:
You go on a date with a guy and it’s going well.
You’d like the night to continue and the next stop is his home. You may or may not know this (ie he may or may not tell you where he’s taking you).
Assuming you do, you let him take you there. After all, you haven’t read this article yet. Plus, he told you he had a balcony or a cute kitten or a rooftop or wanted to watch a movie or share a nice bottle of red wine or…
Things progress slowly. A small kiss. Some cuddling. Making out. Conversation.
Somehow your clothes slowly come off, including your panties.
He goes down on you. You don’t resist. Now you’re turned on. Then, you reciprocate with your mouth.
Things get a little more aggressive as you both get more turned on.
Then all of a sudden you realize “crap! I don’t want to have sex! Feels good, but I just wasn’t planning on it and I don’t want to right now.”
Well, that’s all great. But the reality is your awkward threshold is too low. You don’t have the ability to calmly and confidently stop everything and tell him that you’d like to slow down or not continue.
Maybe you’re even thinking whether or not you’re even allowed to do this after everything that’s already happened? Of course you are. But in the moment, you might be thinking about how selfish you would be if you stopped everything after you already let so much happen.
After all, you’re willingly there. It does feel great.
If you stop, you would be rejecting him. Rejection is awkward, especially in real life. Maybe he will think you don’t like him, but you do. Will he want to see you again? You’d feel so bad for rejecting him.
Maybe you’ve never rejected a guy in person whom you’ve already become intimate with in person before.
It’s all too much and you decide to relax and see where it goes knowing full well that it always goes to sex.
However, if you did manage to stop things or once your awkward threshold is high and this situation becomes easy for you, there’s one more rule you must follow.
This point is important. Don’t stick around. Get the hell out of there.
You’ve already shown yourself that this guy has outmaneuvered you. After all, you’re naked or half-naked in his room and that was not your plan. He’s savvier than you. Admit it. In no time, he will be inside you if you give him a second chance. Get out of there before he tries again.
This will also have the effect of making him chase. You’ve just rejected him. Depending on his success with women, this could be a very powerful technique. At the very least, you’ll better know his intentions.
I can tell you for certain that this maneuver has never happened to this future guy we’ve been discussing. It will confuse him.
I believe the reason why girls have low awkward thresholds is because they’re too nice at the wrong times.
Girls try to be nice about everything. This is beautifully reflected in their texts. When was the last time you told a guy that you do not want to go on a date with him because you’re not interested?
What did you do instead when he asked you out?
“I’ll let you know later”
“Sounds fun but I’m busy.”
“I think that works for me.”
All of these answers are as direct a NO as a guy is going to get. We even have our own strategies on how to respond to these non-commital answers.
Anecdotally, the only place on the planet which a girl was genuinely direct with me was in Moscow, Russia. Girls told me straight up they were not interested and why. One told me that I seemed dry. One told me that I invited her over too soon. I’ll stop there…you get the point.
But, let’s assume that you wanted to go on a date with him and you go.
The next time you are on a first date with a man and you are just not feeling it, let him know.
It’s not that you even have to leave. But you can say ‘hey, I want to know how you think this date is going so far?’
Someone with a high awkward threshold can say this.
Or, you can leave. If you’re just not interested, then calmly and confidently tell him that you’re glad you came, but that you can tell you’re not a good fit for him. You can even say you’re open to staying in touch.
The next time something is awkward to talk about, promise me right now that you will actually have that conversation in real time and in real life. Promise me in the comments with an “I do”.
I’m serious. Once you start doing this, you will get addicted because you are constantly the power force in the relationship. You are killing any and all animosity in the relationship early and often.
Once I was in Moscow hanging out with a female friend at a café when we had a disagreement. Though I forget the details, it got awkward. We sat at the table not talking. I took out my kindle and started reading. Then, I realized, I needed to increase my awkward threshold by talking about what just happened.
All I did was explain my position. I explained my perspective and that was all that was needed. Now I was the bigger person for having the guts to kill that animosity and leave it dead on the table in the café. The problem and awkwardness was solved as soon as the discussion began.
Not to mention, if you’re already in a relationship, this will strengthen your bond because of how uncommon this skill is.
Who’s the last non-family member male you talked to?
He would have sex with you.
And the man before that? He also would have sex with you.
The next guy you talk to whether it’s the security guard or the garbage man or the president also would have sex with you.
That’s not to say you’re hot shit. That’s to say you have a pu$$y and most guys are desperate for some. There’s a big difference between having sex with you once on the first or second date or wanting a relationship.
I remember watching Sex and The City when Carrie, trying to cheer up Charlotte, said to her “has a man ever seen you naked and not wanted to have sex with you?” The obvious answer was left unsaid. I thought ‘huhm, what an interesting perspective’. Of course, we already know that as you lower the commitments for sex, more men will become interested.
Nevertheless, keep that mindset with you forever.
It’s good for two reasons.
The first is that it’s just a better, positive mindset. Guys do this all the time. It’s better than thinking ‘he’s too hot for me’ or ‘I’m not good enough.’
The second is that you’d be more right than wrong. And, it will keep you out of trouble more often.
But women don’t think like this and it prevents them from recognizing the current step or the next one.
Do you know what Netflix and chill is? For men, it’s a code word for sex on the couch with some background noise.Do you know what Netflix and chill is? For men, it’s a code word for sex on the couch with some background noise. Click To Tweet
For women, it’s called plausible deniability.
Men know they cannot straight up ask if you want to have sex on their couch. Neither do they want to. Men like the game, too.
They know they need to play the game by giving you a plausible reason for coming over with a likely outcome of sex.
Anything that you can blame. Drunk or tipsy? Massage? A swim? A cute kitten?
Literally anything that you can tell yourself (or your girlfriends) you were going to do and then ended up having sex.
“He told me he had a really nice twilight view of the city. I wanted to see it”
“I wanted to meet his cute dog.”
Assuming you’re on a date with the guy when you figure out you’re not interested, you have a few options. You can be direct, but women don’t like this type of communication. So, here’s my dating advice for women on how to subtly communicate you’re not intested.
First, ask what types of girls he likes. This is already a confusing question because obviously, he likes girls like you, otherwise, he wouldn’t be on a date.
Nevertheless, ask and wait for him to ask the question in return.
Answer however you like, but be sure to casually emphasize one of these two points:
This puts the guy in a tough position because you just told him that either you will be direct with him if you like him or that you like to chase guys. So if he goes the aggressive route by trying to seduce you then he risks losing you because you literally just said that you like the chase.
The point of this article is not to be a game killer for guys. It’s not to ruin the fun for girls.
It’s most definitely not to suggest sex on a first date is always a bad thing.
The desire for sex on the first date may be higher on the man’s part, but women still love sex.
In fact, it’s apparent to me that girls want sex more than guys. I’ve met few women who wanted less sex than me after we had sex the first time.
And, it’s ok to want to have sex on the first date. I just don’t want you to regret it. I don’t want you to be manipulated. And I think neither do you.
As a general rule to squeeze out any thirsty guys or fuck boys, don’t have sex until the 6th date. With my female friends, I find that to be the magic number. The guy almost always loses interest before then if he was only seeking sex.
My point is to open the eyes of women to the reality of dating in 2020. Online dating keeps us well connected with limitless options and few social repercussions due to online dating.
That’s not a recipe for being on your best behavior.
The point is to make you conscious about your dating life.
This makes it more fun for both parties rather than an uphill battle in the dark for the man.
Whew, you did it. Naughty girl. Are you satisfied?
What is your best dating advice for women? See you in the comments.
After reading your article this is my take away and perhaps I do not date enough-
Most guys never invite me over on the First Date. IF they do and I am into it I would go – I remember this one guy I was so into say to me” I would invite you over but my apartment is a mess but def another time” after we had a fabulous dinner, some drinks and a long walk. Then I let another guy come to my place after dinner and ice skating for a first date and I specifically said I was not going to sleep with him and I did and I was definitely annoyed but I guess he expected that.
My most important rule in dating is that if I go out with you and I am not into it, I will not tell you right off the bat I will be cordial and continue the date as I like to learn about people. However if you call or text me for a second date I will 1000% be clear that while you are a great guy, perhaps just not the right man for me. The reason I feel the need to be super clear is because I feel as though when a man wants to break up with you he will ghost you even after you have asked him and called him he’ll lie to you and pretend everything is ok and you are like fuck this after reading between the lines. So I would never ever want to do that to someone else, its exhausting trying to decipher what someone means when they say- I really like you nothing has changed I just need some space. Like really why can’t you just adult up and be like sorry I don’t want to be with you anymore especially after the woman said just be honest, we are all adults it doesn’t always work out and I get it. I like your advice.
this is a fabulous comment! So the first part where you say you specifically said you did not want to hook up and did. Guys have a name for that. The guy doesn’t assume you don’t want to hook up, he assumes you don’t want to feel slutty. It needs to feel spontaneous. And, I specifically talk about this scenario in the article. Now, you are prepared for next time 🙂 The part about you being respectful on dates. You’re not. Don’t get it twisted. You’re actually being disrespectful and you’re doing it for you, not for him. I challenge you to tell you date on the spot, as nicely as possible, that you can tell it’s not a great fit but that you’re glad you came. Do you think you’re giving the date your all if you know you don’t like the guy? Do you think the guy can pick up on this? When you say reading between the lines for ‘I really like you nothing has changed I just need some space” there’s no reading between the lines necessary. It means he’s not interested. Women do the exact same thing. From my experience, it’s easy or it’s hard. The ‘I just need some space’ falls in the hard category. Unambiguously whoever said this to you either never saw you again, or saw you once every couple weeks until you got fed up.
In my 38 yrs of life in my personal life, friends, brothers, buddies, any man Who is single, dating, has a GF, fiance or wife, NEVER have I heard of a woman wanting more sex than a man. I want your statement to be true but my experience makes me think it isn’t. Men seem to want more physically than women do. My guess is it is biology. Would really like to hear more about how came to that thought. Excellent well written article and i really enjoy your writing.
Hey, Jim – Thanks for the comment and compliment (you’re evening out some of the other hateful comments I’ve received!). When I mention that part, I’m only speaking of my personal experience. I will check the actual blog to ensure that’s clear. Obviously, I cannot speak in generalities here. Hope that clears it up!
I’ve got a poll going now on my Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/dannybooboo0/). I asked “In your relationship, who wants more sex?” in English, Spanish, and Portuguese (where most of my followers are based) and early results point to about 80%+ females wanting more sex. Two things are at play: you were hearing this from your male friends trying to be macho (no fake machoness for me, my sex drive is low I think) or my sample population is flawed.
Danny, you are awesome. So nice of you to respond AND do more research! This is so cool. I am not sure if my glass ceiling has been shattered or this is just an american thing OR an american cultural myth. When i was in HS, college, post college or now married, from my “bubble” of people I know, always heard men wanting more sex, never enough…and women complaing men want more and they are fine with little to no sex. My next question for you….if women want more sex why do men masturbate more? You would think women would have to masturbate as much as men, right? I asked my male friends in relationships, if women are as horny as men, are they masturbating in between times you are sleeping with them? I don’t think so. Danny, please give me your insight and prove me wrong bc i admire the way you think.
You know what, that’s a valid point. Nothing comes to mind immediately. But, here’s how these things work for me…you’ve implanted a seed in my brain. Believe it or not, I spend a lot of my time simply thinking without distractions. I will also bounce this idea off some female friends and I’m sure some insight will pop into my brain over the coming weeks/months. Follow up with me then. Looking to read more of your comments. I’ve got a few other blogs on relationships. #hungryforcomments
I have a guess. I would say as a broad generalization american women want less sex than american men and it could be flipped the other way in other countries as it looks like you have seen. I will look at your other articles, you have a fantastic site and i thoroughly enjoy what you do. Please keep up the excellent work.
Danny, i polled 34 guys i know ranging from married to single and asked them about all their female encounters. Zero said any of their women at any point wanted more sex than them. This is midwest american men talking about women from Denver to Chicago. Anecdotal bc the coasts of america are different and midwestern women may be more prude but figured i would share bc your topic fascinates me!
That’s surprising, really surprising based on my experience (and my IG poll which I think about a hundred people answered). Now, if they’re all married, that could have something to do with it. If these women are post-menopause, could have had something to do with it? I think Latinas are probably more sexual than Americans, in general maybe. Or, all your friends have high sex drives. Or, they’re just trying to sound macho to you..? Anyways, thanks for the update.
Danny, had to followup one last time bc this topic interested me so. 112 men polled and 26 women I asked, so thats 138 people, zero of them said a women wanted sex more than men. So the men said it, 112, and the women, 26 all said it. Again this is midwestern people from all backgrounds, shapes, colors, sizes, ages, relationship statuses. I think its biological that men naturally have to be more sexual to release for reproduction. Would be super curious about gay and lesbian bc if my research holds true gay men would have way more sex than lesbian women. After 138 people, i think I have a large enough sample to confirm the American midwest. Men want it way more than women here. Its a tough world. 🙂
Thanks for following up! ahaha. That’s a large sample size. And surprising. I think we already know gay men have the most sex and lesbians the least (of all categories including hetero). Anyways, interesting to find out!
Hi Danny, thank you for your article! For me, it was an insightful and fascinating read as I love to learn more about men (what makes them tick, how they think). And a lot of the topics you covered were interesting, especially the “Don’t Permit Logistics” and “Bonus Dating Tip: He Is Into You”. Had a negative dating experience recently, the guy was charming, cute but he was very aggressive and very pushy about wanting to have sex on the first date. It was a total turn off, I politely turned him down and said I had to get up early the next day. He’s been texting me since and I’m at the point I’m ignoring him. Reading your topic on “Akward Threshold” I know now what to do next time. I’m now ravenous for more info and will continue to read more articles on your blog. Thanks for taking the time to write and share your experiences, they are highly enjoyable!
A most excellent comment! Now, just to clarify, the article is not to say ‘NEVER HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE’. Instead, it’s to make you/the woman aware. If you want to, go for it! If not, which you mostly don’t want, then don’t. There are many tricks to be avoided. Love the comment, thanks 🙂
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