Introduction: Deciding Who To Date

…her experience is that the worst guys come straight at her while the best guys are nowhere to be seen.

This is a quote from an article titled “Guys, Here’s What It’s Actually Like to Be a Woman”.

Sadly, it’s true. Even sadder is that she doesn’t take more responsibility in the outcome. The only reason “the best guys” are nowhere to be seen is because she’s not looking. And, she’s not looking because she hasn’t thought deeply about what her best guy looks and acts like.

This article is my attempt at showing her how to do this. A win for all.

She has a lot more control over her relationships than she thinks. The good news is she has the power to change it.

What she doesn’t understand is that the only guys coming to her are those who are confident in their skills to attract her (ie “the worst guys”). They’ve done it a million times. How else does he seem to know exactly what to say?

And, the guy that’s so right for her (ie “the best guys”), the guy that wants so badly to show her how great he is, is just out of sight. She doesn’t notice him.


This is my personal perspective. Being my perspective and not your perspective it’s ok for us to disagree. Are you one of those close-minded people who think differing viewpoints are atrocious and should be censored? Or are you one of those open-minded people who appreciate and value differing perspectives? Who learns and grows from differing perspectives and even teaches the opposing perspective on your own perspective? Throughout the article, I ask for comments, especially from women. I hope you’ll oblige.

“I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”

How many times have you heard that? While I believe that women actually mean this when they say it, I also know it’s 100% poppycock.

Here’s what they actually mean: “I’m not looking for a boyfriend….because I never look for a boyfriend. They look for me. I get plenty of attention and when the right guy comes along, I’ll be open to a relationship.”

I know I’ve heard it plenty of times only to see her boyfriend the next month appear on her Instagram.

It is a backward approach. Women don’t actively look. They sit back and wait. This is passive. You can’t and wouldn’t want to learn a language passively, get through college passively, get that promotion passively, why would you take a passive approach to your dating life?

With this mindset, the only guys she’ll attract are those with LOTS of experience with women.

The nice guy in the coffee shop sitting in the corner isn’t going to approach her. It scares the shit out of him just like it would scare the shit out of her if she had to start a conversation in broad daylight and in public without alcohol and with a guy she’s attracted to all while knowing he may be rude and totally ignore her or stick his hand in her face to indicate lack of interest (yes, this happened to me).

She don’t even notice this guy.

Instead, she gets approached by the guy who’s done it a million times. He knows what to say and what not to say. He knows how to build attraction. He knows when to leave. He knows how to manipulate her.

Yes, women are manipulated. No, really. Whoever is the best manipulator wins.

Of course, there are guys who choose to not or do not know how to manipulate (the nice guy in the coffee shop). They just act how they act and let the chips fall where they may. Maybe they meet a girl through a social circle. Maybe not.

To be honest, they’re no different than the woman’s strategy. The only difference is that no one is going to approach the man. So he becomes an Incel.

To me, the female’s approach to dating is lazy. The idea of sitting back and taking a non-active role in who you attract is like going to an important networking event and not being conscious about where you sit or who you talk to.

Taking a passive role in who you attract is like going to an important networking event and not being conscious about who you talk to Share on X

I’d like to take dating more seriously than a networking event. Not being conscious about who you bring into your life means you’re not taking dating seriously. Not having a type means you don’t take dating seriously. If you’re not taking it seriously, you’re not allowed to complain about your dating life.

This article is my attempt to fix all that.

One of my good friends is like the nice guy in the coffee shop and he consistently enters relationships with girls below his value. He, like many, end up with a girl who they don’t really want. They settle. Is that why so many relationships end terribly and so many marriages end in divorce?

Manipulation works because women don’t have a deep understanding of what they want. They’ll tell you what they want. But they’re just telling you things that sound nice to them. Things that they know they should want. Generic things.

They may know they like beards or a certain height or a funny personality, but they’re mostly oblivious to who they are a good match with on deeper levels. So this is my plea to women: think deeply about what you value in a mate and keep reading to learn how to make it easier on those men.

Instead, guys morph into these general stereotypes for women, put on this show to seduce them and the movie repeats itself. It works.

In this article, if it isn’t clear already, I’m going to argue for why women are not good at deciding who to date and how they can become good at it.

In the end, this is a win-win for both men and women because it increases the pool of men who have a chance with women and allows women better insight into who to choose. But it starts with you, women, you need to take more control in this process.

“Why do you like me?”

Ask your partner this and probably you’ll get a generic answer. You teach me things. You’re intelligent. You’re easy to talk to. We have fun together. I’m comfortable around you. You give me many orgasms. At least, it’s been my case.

why do you like me? jay copy
This is from a girl who I’ve dated and knows me for more than one year.
why do you like me? cano copy
I’ve asked my Colombian friend why she likes the guy she’s dating. Her answer: “his intelligence, discipline, generosity, and respect. What’s most important is that he protects me.”
why do you like me? ev copy
This is an answer from my Ukrainian friend about the man she’s been seeing.

Replace me (or the guys above) with any other man and she can say the same things. A few women who’ve been really attracted to me I’ve pressed in and really asked and made them think. I got slightly deeper answers. But just slightly deeper.

I can’t remember a time I’ve gotten a really profound response that taught me something about myself.


Because she’s been manipulated by attraction. I did things mostly right in the attraction phase when the girl is most likely to reject the guy and from then on she’s in love or lust or like. She’s just along for the ride. She does not critically and deeply think about who is and is not a good partner for her.

“Does he make me feel good / comfortable / happy?” is the question she’ll go with, but the why and the how is left out.

Now, I need to briefly mention a caveat and something that’s working against me.

Most men are fucking weird and/or boring and/or socially retarded. By not being any of these you already have a leg up on most men and when a woman meets you she thinks “thank god, this guy is normal! Finally!” Forget about values, she just wants to meet a normal guy. Am I right, women? Tell me in the comments.

But, I’m going to teach you how to take a more active role in your dating life so that you can better identify those guys who are a good fit for you and increase the odds of that guy introducing himself.

Here’s How Seduction Works

She tries to look as good as she can for attention (ie to attract guys).

Odds are, she’ll attract numerous guys. So many, in fact, it’s hard for her to keep track so she doesn’t. She goes by what she feels in the moment.

She waits for the guy to communicate with her (this changes later in the relationship).

Whatever guy has at least some interest from her and communicates the right amount with her based on her level of interest at any moment will usually get the opportunity to a date with her. But, it’s a marathon and there are many traps along the way.

Said differently, she filters out. She does not filter in. It’s a main difference between men and women.

Ladies, if you're filtering OUT men who say the wrong things then you're filtering IN men who've had the most practice.. Share on X

Take the below conversation. We matched on a dating app called Bumble and she messaged me there. Later, I messaged her on Instagram. You can see she’s interested, even suggesting we meet. But, I never heard back from her after my final message that she read (‘visto’ means ‘viewed’). Why? She filtered me out. Something about my last message turned her off. Maybe it seemed demanding? Ladies, what are your thoughts?

In another instance, recently, a woman filtered me out, after messaging with me for about a year, based on a single message I sent. It was Saturday night, I was home, she was out partying and I (to me, jokingly) responded to her Instagram story knowing she wouldn’t come over to do this “Damn…why don’t you take a night off and come cuddle with me and some Netflix hah” A couple of weeks later, after messaging consistently, when I asked her to meet on a Monday evening she said: “I just don’t like the way you asked me to go to your place to cuddle.” Filtered out. I thanked her for providing a reason instead of taking the more accepted route of ghosting.

Or, take Tinder, for example. Women, you look for things to swipe left (reject) the guy. He could have four good photos, but if you see something bad in the fifth you reject.

Men, you look for things to swipe right (accept) the girl. She could have four bad photos, but if you see something good in the fifth (she might have a good angle showing nice boobs or a skinny frame) you accept.

If she filters in she’d know pretty specifically what she is looking for and what attracts her. This is a great defense to manipulation. But, she does not do this.

She doesn’t know why she’s attracted to a particular guy. She just is. Or, more likely, is not. Unless it’s something superficial like he had a really nice body or smile.

While men filter in, women filter out. It's the main difference between early-stage dating. Share on X

But, that’s not enough. Remember she gets so much attention that often she feels “desire-overload”. Often she feels that no matter how handsome a guy is, no matter how good at communication he is, no matter how well he is able to manipulate her, she has “desire-overload” and is numb to seduction.

This is the random factor, just like in gambling.

Now, this is a dannybooboo theory, but I’m pretty confident about this one (women can you confirm or deny?). How do I know this? I’ve been lucky enough to experience this feeling a few times in my life.

Here’s how “desire-overload” looks for a man: The girl said yes to a date tomorrow night. Some of my favorite Tinder matches are replying to me. The girl I reached out to on Instagram replied to my message. The girl in the shop flirtatiously smiled at me while I was walking to the gym. I approached and exchanged numbers with the cute girl in the gym. The girl at the cafe sat next to me and wanted to talk.

For very short instances I feel so desired that I’m walking in heaven. I don’t notice the cute girl walking by me on the street. I have little interest in getting to know anyone new romantically. If I have a date that night, I may cancel if I’m not really interested to go. I imagine girls have this feeling often.

For a woman it might look like this: Yesterday, the yoga teacher hit on me. Later that night, guys were giving me attention at the bar. Last night, a cute guy took my number and is messaging me to hang out today. The hot guy who my friend is trying to set me up with wants to meet up tomorrow evening.

Luckily, this “desire-overload” is very temporary and can change in a moment’s notice. It never lasts more than 24-hours, usually much less.

So not only does the guy have to read her well, know what to say and when, avoid the traps, but he also has to get lucky when she’s in the trough of “desire-overload” (we’ll call it “desire-trough”). Similarly, “desire-trough” is short-term so while she may agree to a date today, she may experience “desire-overload” the same day as your date and flake on you.

Danny, what the hell are you talkin’ about buddy?

Look. My point is that girls are bad at deciding who to date or not because they don’t give it enough conscious thought. For this reason, they arbitrarily filter out men. I want you to start filtering in men by knowing more deeply what you want.

In the future, I’m going to post an article that lays out my own ideal partner traits based on physical, interests, values, and personality or behavior. There’s about 50, 10 of which are highly important.

Have you made good dating decisions in the past and think this doesn’t apply to you? The fact of the matter is most guys are nice people trying to do good in the world. While you might attribute your good prior dating partners to your ability to choose it’s a flawed rationale. The real question is could you have done better if you were better able to filter in the most desirable guys based on your values?

On Paper, Am I The Perfect Man?

From an early age, woman are bombarded with attention from men. From an early age, they start to get the beginning feelings through observation of what will last for the next 20-30 years. That is, eyeballs from men. Attention. In other words, they have a LOT of data on men’s desirous behaviors.

So why do they seem to make bad decisions when it comes to dating men? I’m putting the onus on women because, ultimately, it’s their decision to say yes or no to a man offering a relationship or initiating an introduction.

This article is far from a definitive piece. Please share your thoughts and commentary.

Take me, for example. I know, it’s chauvinistic. But, if you’re not proud of who you are, change until you are.  Unabashedly, here’s what I think of myself:

  • Physically (body), I’m at the top, definitely one of my “sellable” points (one of a few areas of my life I can be extremely confident)
  • Facially, while I’m above average, I’m not a stunner. Apparently, I have nice teeth and eyes, though!
  • While not super intelligent, I’d argue above average and I maximize my potential
  • About average height (180cm or 5’11”), depending on the country
  • My mindset is different. I’m unsure how to put this, but feedback is that I think and do things differently. My perspective is unique. One friend told me that I have a lot of grit.
  • Though I’m not the life of the party nor a social expert, I can be social in group settings and interact well with anyone from toddler’s to grandma to a homeless person on the street asking for money
  • I have a good relationship with my immediate family
  • I am financially savvy and secure (business owner and successful author)
  • I am very athletic (the other confident area of my life)
  • I can dance (Ok, debatable) – I’d like to get better.
  • I can cook
  • I don’t smoke
  • I have numerous hobbies (gardening, investing, reading, writing, handstanding, blackjack etc.)
  • I don’t have any past major traumas like going to prison, being addicted to drugs, etc.

Ok. Definitely not the perfect man, but I got to assume I fit into most women’s definition of a suitable man. Women, comments? Who is your perfect man? What is most important him?

In fact, I receive messages and comments in person similar to the below quite often. So often, in fact, that I wonder if the woman is being truthful or if it’s just a light-form strategy of denial as I rarely meet or progress with the women who say this. You might think a less-attractive woman would say this, but this text is coming from an attractive woman:

deciding who to date

If, in fact, she’s being truthful, then why does she make it so difficult, often impossible to meet her? Wouldn’t she want to meet? Does she think not highly of herself? Am I too perfect? That’s a joke 🙂

On the other hand, women routinely date the bartender or gym trainer or the nightclub promoter.

They love them. I get it. These guys are fun and different. But, let’s be real. There are 7 billion people on this planet. There’s more than one person we can love. And, based on the mindset needed to get into the above-mentioned professions, these men probably have low prospects of future financial freedom (if that’s something you’d value).

Women, are you settling?

No. Definitely, no! Women don’t settle.

They’ve been manipulated by their unconscious mind. They’re just along for the ride. They’re either attracted or not. End of discussion.

My argument to women is this: use your conscious mind to decide who to date. Think deeply about what qualities you find attractive and unattractive regardless of how it feels in the moment. My theory is that it will be better for all.

What’s Your Type?

Women, do you have a type? Yes or no?

It’s not uncommon that a woman will say she does not have a type. Poppycock, I say!

Of course, you have a type. The only women who don’t have a type are the ones who haven’t thought about their type.

The only women who don’t have a type are the ones who haven’t thought about their type. Share on X

Just because you’ve dated all types of men, doesn’t mean you don’t have a type. It means that all types of men have been able to manipulate you. I know this because the majority of these relationships did not work out.

But if you maintain that you do not have a type, then I ask you this: will you date a 500-pound man? Yes or no?

Some of you are saying yes! “Yes, I would date a 500-pound man if he treated me right.” Poppycock times two!

You would not give this man an initial chance let alone date him, but your answer proves my point. Let’s assume you value health and longevity. If being around your grandchildren and if being able to travel and live a fully free life then the 500-pound man would be disqualified.

The only reason you say you’d date this fat guy is that you have not thought deeply about what values you want your partner to have in deciding who to date.

How To Filter In The Right Guy

In an upcoming article, I’m going to list all the attributes I value in a woman. I’ve thought deep and hard, I’ve had conversations with like-minded men, and I’ve read books about what exactly I want and why and how to find this in real life.

First, an example from my values. I’ve told myself that if I see an attractive woman reading a book, that I will introduce myself if at all possible. While it’s the act of reading that makes me approach, it’s much more about what that signifies about who she is.

It means she values learning. It means she can entertain herself without her phone. It means she’s intellectual. And, it means she’s different. When’s the last time you saw a girl (forget attractive) reading a book on the metro or a coffee shop instead of on her cell phone?

Maybe you value health? After some deep thought, you realize that you value health for aesthetics (you want an attractive mate), but also for much more. It gives you a lens into his personality and behavioral traits. It probably means he has more motivation and drive (everyone is tried after work or wants to sleep in, but this man gets up early to goes to the gym after a day at work).

He can sacrifice today for a better tomorrow. It might mean she’ll feel safer in his presence. It means he’ll be more able-bodied in the future. He’ll probably be around to be a great and energetic grandfather.

With this one value, she’s better able to filter in men who meet these criteria. Maybe she takes note more when she’s at the gym or the health food store. Maybe she attends the health expo coming up. If she sees a guy, maybe she makes it slightly easier for him to introduce himself by standing closer or by giving eye contact.

Maybe she’s less impressed by the handsome guy with a nice smile in the suit at the club at 2am who approaches her with a smooth line and knows how to create attraction quickly. I want her to think ‘yaya, you’re good with your words, but what are you passionate about right now? What would you be doing right now if you weren’t here? Where might we have met if it wasn’t here?”

The whole point is to consciously, not emotionally, think about why you’re making certain relationship decisions.

For my next magic trick, I’m going to introduce a peculiar example from my recent past that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the validity of this article.

I met a girl in a shopping mall. Initially, I approached because physically she fit into my ideal (ie I thought she was hot) and looked to be a gym girl. Conversationally, there was an instant spark. That was the good news.

The bad news was that she was leaving the next day. We exchanged information and went our separate ways. I assume I’d never see her again.

A few hours later, I messaged her: “I want to see you again. Can you sneak away for dinner or chill for a bit on my rooftop?”

We did meet up later that evening. The spark continued, we talked easily while sharing a bottle of wine. Then, we started to get physical. A little cuddling. A little kissing. I wanted more. She did, too. But, she stopped it. She was leaving after all. Understood.

Usually, that’s where I leave it. She said no, I respect that. Anyways, rejection turns me off. However, I wanted to press in and ask for the reasoning behind her decision. I felt a deeper and quicker connection to her than is normal and she felt the same, if not stronger (keep reading to understand my confidence here).

As expected, she told me it’s because she’s leaving tomorrow. I asked if she’d ever hooked up with a guy on the first encounter before. She said that she had, but that it’s different because she’s leaving so soon.

Sounds plausible on the surface. But how many relationships have started on vacation? Unlike the girl from the gym in Miami, this girl was definitely interested as she was at my home the night before her flight. How many beginning relationships seem to flow so effortlessly from conversational topic to conversational topic? In my life, I can only remember a handful of instances.

Her answer tells me that instead of thinking deeply about who I am, if there is something potentially there, if she can really like me based on her values, she is applying a temporary variable (time) to end the interaction prematurely, even though it was full of potential.

I would argue a better process is to think about how well I fit into her values and make the decision based on that rather than saying she leaves in X days and doesn’t want to get started. On the flip side, how much more common is it for her to hook up with a guy with no or few shared values, but she’s not leaving anywhere the next day?

While this specific example directly includes sex, my argument goes beyond sex. The same thing can be said of discontinuing any interaction for any arbitrary reason.

What if I was her perfect match, but she passed because the arbitrary time variable? If she’s passing because she’s not interested or knows there’s no future there then great. But, she’ll only know that if she’s thought deeply about what she values in a man.

For me, this girl had a lot of values I hold as important (she was genuinely interested when I talked about the AQI and air pollution for god’s sake!). Without a doubt, there was something there more than is normal.

In this instance, it makes a lot of sense, given the time variable to get through as much of the relationship as is possible. Ok, we seem to get along, she has many values I think are important, but are we compatible sexually (a very important part of a healthy relationship)?

If I posted this article two weeks ago, like originally planned, this next part would be missing. That’s because we ended up meeting again. Yes, two weeks later she returned. Due to a unique situation, we even became housemates! To alleviate any pressure, I told her that she can stay in my spare bedroom on a friend basis. And guess what happened?

I learned that not only did she remember seeing me on Tinder (before we met), reading my bio, and swiping left, but she had doubts and second-thoughts about not progressing the relationship on our initial encounter. She mis-swiped on tinder and in real life.

We’ve become good friends now. But, she wants more. She’s gotten to know me quite well in a short amount of time, and she finds herself more and more attracted to me. While initially she may have been attracted to my physically, she did not evaluate me based on her values to understand the true potential. She didn’t do this because she hasn’t thought deeply about what values are most important to her in her romantic partner. This is the key to knowing whether or not you’re good at deciding who to date.

Conclusion – Deciding Who To Date

Some say, and I used to believe, that attraction is not a choice. You either are or are not attracted. To be honest, this is mostly true because barely anyone (men included) really identifies what is important to them physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc.

However, once you do that, it changes.

I know exactly what my ideal partner looks and behaves like. I find that now I am not pursuing girls who I otherwise would have (likely just based on looks). Attraction is now a switch for me. But, it’s my switch. I can switch it on or off based on how much of my pre-existing criteria she fits.

I challenge you, guy or girl reader, to take an hour and deeply think about the physical and behavioral traits your ideal partner has. It gives you a sense of internal peace. You no longer ask, why didn’t he/she like me.

For my single women readers, maybe you’re thinking that you’ve tried to get a boyfriend and failed again and again. How many times can you blame the guy? How many times can you be in the wrong place at the wrong time? So, let me ask: what have you changed to produce a different result?

Are you being active or passive about your dating life?

What are your top two criteria, physically, emotionally, behaviorally? Share with me in the comments. Maybe you’ll even convince me to update my own list on deciding who to date 🙂

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  1. Danny, such a great well written thoughtful article. Enjoyed how you laid out your reasoning. I agree wirh you but would take it a step further. I think men also do this too. They dont think about what they want but look for a hot girl and hope it worksout. I call it…does the person you date get more or less attractive as you date them? Its bc you learn about their morals, qualities, personality. Rare is a man or woman who really has thought about it and knows what they want. Most just stumble into a relationship due to flirting based on physical appearance. I knew what i wanted but honestly got lucky with my spouse who was pretty to start but gorgeous now bc of her amazing additional mental qualities past her looks.

  2. Hey, Jim – I see you like my ‘dating’ section! Good…yes, I agree that men also do it, but my point is that women ultimately make the decision and they’re more easily manipulated. Guys, for the most part, take what they can get. They just shotgun fire their flirting and something hits. Or, they do the bare minimum and eventually find something. I’m happy about your relationship. After 33 years, I haven’t found it yet, still looking, but not looking good so far! Funny coming from the guy writing about dating, right?

    1. Although married, i am fascinated by the physcology of people and human interaction. You are right though and thanks for the insighful article. Going to read more!

  3. I really appreciate this and thank you for writing it. It’s one of the most incisive and perceptive articles I think i have ever read on dating and relationships. I have already read it three times in a week and see myself going back to it on a regular basis! Its also so useful to me as a man in understanding what I want and focusing my life on attracting that.

  4. This sounds like a big complaint as to why many women did not choose you. As a woman, I am here to say one main reason why these women did not choose you or anyone else even if you are an attractive and a decent guy- they already have someone else on their mind. I noticed the same thing with men- usually, they have this one specific person they are hoping to date but still they are willing to explore around until they start a proper relationship with this specific person that they truly want. These girls you are describing who are into man who are funny etc are usually much younger women in their early to late 20s perhaps who just want to have good time. A little older, more serious women would not choose a man who does not have his life together except for short term flings but I often find that most men are badly ageist and only want women their early 20s. I mean for sure the reasons are biological but we are no longer living in middle ages where the average life span is only 40 and many people perish from disease, famine and war before they could even reach 40. Apart from what many think, women can bear healthy child in their mid to late 30s.

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