The Value of Others

Welcome to my The Value of Others book summary!

WARNING: With any dating book, the reader must, but likely won’t, know what the women look like that the advice-giver, in this case the author, is dating. Most of these books sound good on paper (and may be good advice in real life), but unless you can verify the real-world results they produce for the author, take the content with caution.

One-Sentence-Summary: The Value of Others takes the reader on a journey through the sexual marketplace of a bustling dock where passengers and captains first notice each other (attraction), agree to transact unequal goods of comparable value (negotiation), and, finally, enter the maintenance phase which never ends (ie there is no happily ever after).

“The fundamental premise of this book is that we can apply the principles of behavioral economics to the game of making and dating.” (p. 302)

I’ve finished reading The Value of Others by Orion Taraban.

booboo real-time book rating: ★★★★★ (percentage of books with this rating: 7%)

This blog will contain both my summary and review of the book The Value of Others.

“People want things from other people. This is why other people represent both a potential solution and a potential problem. They are a potential solution when they have the things we want and are willing to give them to us [friends, family, sexual partners]. On the other hand, they are a potential problem when they don’t have the things we want [street beggars] – or when they do have them but won’t give them to us [“rude” or “stuck-up” people]. And it’s far from straightforward to determine which people are which – which is why other people are typically a problem until they provide otherwise.” (p. 3)

Let’s start with my criticism of The Value of Others

First, the author seems to flip-flop from market participants’ sexual dating preferences being rational and irrational. In Chapter 4, the author discusses the overall dating strategy that everyone in the sexual marketplace will get the most value they can for the least cost and “all of these [strateiges] are rational. It’s not possible to argue against them.” (p. 111).

Back in Chapter 2, the author says that “..women don’t actually enter into a relationship on the basis of a consciously extrapolated rationale, and they won’t offer sexual opportunity purely as a response to the satisfaction of their criteria.” (p. 88) To me, rational behavior is if a woman comes up with a list and then dates a man who satisfies this list. Of course, we all have examples of this rational behavior getting violated. That is because economics, the lens the author has for the book, is flawed. Humans are not rational, but instead emotional.

My second criticism I can demonstrate in the following quote: “This is why romantic love is ultimately solipsistic: it is a folie a deux in which the practical considerations whereby relationships succeed are despised in favor of an idealized fantasy.” (p.274) This sentence is overly complex for its intended purpose and this folly repeats itself throughout his book. Taraban needs to tone down his writing.

And my third criticism comes clearly through with this quote in Chapter 11 (which is my favorite chapter), “According to my client, when his wife filed for divorce, she told him that she could get everything she needed from a man ‘from Taskrabbit and Tinder.'” (p. 390) While those words may have been spoken, how does the author not realize, after having written this book, that whatever a woman says during a divorce should be ignored? Creepy behavior is solely based on the level of attraction the woman has for the man. I once had a friend who motorboated a stranger’s tits at a concert! She laughed. What would she have done had my friend been ugly? The lack of behavioral psychology understanding in such a common situation is concerning.

ATTRACTION

Chapters 1 – Relationships are the media in which value is transacted

“It can be hard enough to get what you want from a specific person. However, this process becomes exponentially more difficult if you want many different things from that specific person. We can call this goal conflation, which occurs when a single means (i.e. a specific relationship) is used to pursue multiple goals (e.g., ex, security, friendship) simultaneously. Goal conflation makes every aspect of a relationship more challenging because completely satisfying options will be both rare and expensive.” (p. 26)

Chapter 2 – Key Chapter – The Sexual Marketplace

The sexual marketplace is a dock where captains (generally men, or initiators making the offer) and passengers (generally women, or choosers of who to engage and which offer to accept) compete to transact (in both directions). The best measure of a captain’s value is the crowd of passengers who want to go on. This is because it’s harder to evaluate a captain’s ship, or value, at first glance. Passengers can get a general idea, but they’d need to inspect the ship in detail to fully assess its value.

Mindset: “While good sailors don’t seek out squalls, they see storms as opportunities to demonstrate their competence and further their mastery.” (p. 48) Do challenges frighten you, or allow you to demonstrate your competencies?

Women can be both captains and sailors, but “..the converse has not been true for men. It has never been acceptable for young men to aspire to one day settle down with a good woman who will provide for him while he raises her children..[because women] generally find the prospect of providing for a gown man distateful. Most would rather remain single than take on such a liability.” (p. 66)

I have a friend who did just this. He married an older, wealthy woman and now has two children with her, however, they are unmarried. The reverse would cause problems.

Chapter 3 – Everyone has a value in the sexual marketplace

nSMV (normalized Sexual Marketplace Value) – A number, from 0-10, given to a person that approximates their SMV in the context of a culture’s archetype of an attractive man or woman.

pSMV (perceived SMV) – This is represented perfectly in the millionaire, tall, smart, and handsome (nSMV = 10) who is unconfident in social situations (pSMV = 6). Or, the pickup artists who are young, poor, and often ugly (nSMV = 5) dating attractive women because they’ve studied psychology and fake high-status behavior and confidence (pSMV = 9).

tSMV (transactional SMV) – the closest true value of a person’s SMV

“The sexual double standard is the belief that it is acceptable (or positive) for men to have had many previous sexual partners, but that is it unacceptable (or negative ) for women to have had the same.” (p. 98)

The author banishes this false claim by saying that women are playing “the game” on easy mode. “..the outcome that can be accomplished through no action will always be valued less than the outcome that can only be achieved through the application of effort and skill.” (p. 98)

Here’s a new spin. When you read this, if you’re a poker player, think about how your strategy changes when you have the big stack, or if you’re a sports fan, think about how the team’s strategy changes with a lead while time is running out: “..in any game, the player at a disadvantage is incentivized in the direction of acquisition, while the player at an advantage is incentives in the direction of maintenance.” (p. 100)

Chapter 4 – Everyone is trying to negoatiate their best possible offer

“From the perspective of most men, it is enough that a woman simply not be undesirable to entertain a sexual relationship.” (p. 123) I recall a specific line from an episode of Sex and the City, one of the girls said to another, “Have you ever been denied when you got naked in front of man?” as if to suggest the girl was good enough. That was bad advice becuase the criteria a man uses to sleep with a women is drastialy differernt than to enter a relationship.

“In the Western world, the marginal utility of resources in the sexual marketplace does more to account for absolute earning inequality between men and women than sexual discrimination.” (p. 115) An extra dollar to a man is more valuable than to a woman.

NEGOTATION

Chapter 5 – The Game of Please (wanter/man)/No (giver/women)

The 12 successful game strategies

• Intimidation – threat of harm
• Seduction – “..cultivates the hope or expectation of a sexual encounter..” (p. 144)
• Pity – “..stimulates a giver’s distress into providing a desired outcome through corrective action.” (p. 144)
• Victimization – “..attempts to secure a desired outcome through the remediation of damages incurred through acknowledged wrongdoing.” (p. 146)
• Surprise – “..tries to secure a desired outcome by bypassing expected defensiveness.” (p. 146)
• Friendliness – “..leverages positive regard to lower the perceived cost to the giver of surrendering a desired good.” (p. 146)
• Straightforwardness –
• Humiliation – “..as a means of escaping a socially compromising situation contrived by the wanter.” (p. 147)
• Charm – “..of facilitating identification with an attractive other.” (p. 147)
• Authority – “..communicating that it is the giver’s expected duty to render [the desired good.]” (p. 147)
• Playfulness – “..changing the meaning or context of the transaction.” (p. 148)
• Quitting – When the wanter/male withdraws from the game (or pretends to do so)

Chapter 6 – The more powerful player always wins

“..equal doesn’t always mean fair: a precept that no one seems to forget when it comes time to split a bill at a restaurant.” (p. 163)

The following behaviors and attributes reliably predict the more powerful player.

• Move less – “..the more powerful players are typically the ones who initiate less, are slower to respond, and use fewer words in their communications.” (p. 169)
• Less committed – “..less to lose – either materially, emotionally, or both..” (p. 171) or the less committed a person, the greater their confidence in their ability to find another partner equal to or better than the existing.
• More options – less reliant on a single outcome
• More willing to sacrifice
  • as a wanter this means: “..to be willing to do whatever it takes to get it.” (p. 176) Think Scarface
  • as a giver, this means: “..willing to sacrifice everything to defend their position.” (p. 177)
• More willing to transgress – Or more willing to bend or break social conventions and norms to achieve their goals
• More tolerant of emotion – Not willing to succumb to psychological manipulation.
  • Example: A woman uses emotional outbursts (like activating the “instant-hot” feature) to control her partner. The man never gives in—despite triggering the outburst—thus retaining power by not adjusting his behavior. Emotional tolerance is especially vital for wanters (often men), who must face rejection and emotional friction to pursue their goals.
• Less visible – “In any given society, both the most powerful and the least powerful members are invisible.” (p. 183)
• More flexible – Essentially, intelligence. Flexibility allows strategic shifts mid-game: adjusting tactics, tone, or stance as dynamics change—power lies in adaptability rather than rigid structure.
• More knowledgeable about the other – Insight into the other’s motivations, vulnerabilities, and desires provides strategic leverage.
• Better communicator – ability to translate your emotions and thoughts into eloquent sentences is a power.

Chapter 7 – Attractiveness is the key to power in sexual relationships

“If men initiate the game (i.e., make the offer) and occupancy the place of the adorer (i.e., the less powerful position), they are unlikely to overcome their disadvantage..” (p. 212) The author argues that men are at an initial disadanvatge in the mating game due to their necesity to reveal thier emotions or wants by making the offer to the woman.

“[Attractive players are] more willing to transgress since they typically experience fewer negative consequences for the same violation relative to less attractive people. And due to the halo effect, attractive partners are also more likely to be perceived as possessing more of the positive traits associated with power (and fewer of the negative ones) than is warranted in reality.” (p. 196-7) This is interesting and something I’m working on. I don’t approach as often I would like becuase of negative experiences in the past (ie being ignored). This is a sticking point I need to get over by speaking louder and smiling, increasing my pSMV.

1. The 1st Law – “..people want what they want, not what wants them.” (p. 199)
   • “..the natural instinct to being pursued is to flee..” (p. 199)
2. The 2nd Law – “..it’s not possible for two people to be equally attracted to each other.” (p.201)
3. The 3rd Law – “..all forms of attraction are functionally indistinguishable.” (p. 217)

“For many women, sexual selection is not a choice between a parnter who can provide benefit and a parnter who cannot, but a choice between a parnter who can provide benefit (but for whom they feel less attraction) and a parnter who can provide benefit (and for whom they feel more attraction).” (p. 206) This is abundantly clear to me. It’s not enough to be good looking, wealthy, healthy, intelligent and with freedom in terms of your time. It does not matter whether you have a mansion or an expensive motorcycle because your competition also has that. What matters is your ability to get noticed before you notice them. You ability to create and maintain attraction.

MAINTENANCE – the 3 most significant crises

Chapter 8

• Crisis of Disillusionment (first 6 months when you stop getting to know the ideal projection you both are showing and start to get to know the warts of the person)
  • The author suggests not dating, but instead inviting the girl to join your existing lifestyle so as to not set false expectations. This is why I invite girls over for a home-cooked meal on the first date. I want to give them an accurate idea of what being in a relationship with me would be like.
• Attempted Mutiny ( around 12 months to first few years; who’s really in charge?)
  • Author suggests a 70/30 split in resources and a non-egalitarian relationship to prevent attempted mutiny
  • Flaw: the author suggests the best course of action is to call their bluff (probably good advice), but says that a more attractive passenger (ie woman) would have a hard time getting onto another ship (ie relationship) midjourney because it would be suspicious. An attractive woman would have no problem getting onto another relationship and it would be easier for her, the more attractive she is.
  • How to handle attempted mutinies: “For the sake of our relationship, I can’t…because…If you knew how to X, you’d be captain. If I didn’t know what I was doing, you wouldn’t be here.” Give a verbal reward if the passenger backs down and set clear expectations that the behavior should never happen again and possibly give consequence.
• Crisis of Doldrums (ie becoming roommates and losing attraction)
  • To prevent this, pretend you’re having an affair (be less available, take care of your body more, etc.) – special note at the bottom about this. It should be noted that the author says “actual infidelity is not necessary.” (p. 258)
  • Time apart is necessary to maintain attraction/desire

As I read the book, you will find my in-progress The Value of Others review and book summary notes below.

Chapter 9

The author defines love as, “the bittersweet, ennobling feeling we experience when we sacrifice ourselves for the good of the other.” (p. 286)

He goes on to say, “love is extremely unattractive.” (p. 290)

“How peculiar that love so often blossoms in conditions ‘inhospitible’ to its fruition.” (p. 280) Taraban argues it’s because we want what we can’t have.

“..women..typically have much higher levels of circulation oxytocin than men.” (p. 253)

You are reading my book review and summary by Orion Taraban. Be sure to check out my digital bookshelf for 100+ book summaries.

Chapter 10 – Selection

“People often say that relationships take work. This isn’t technically true. It’s more accurate to say the amount of work a relationship requires is inversely proportional to the goodness of fit.” (p. 297)

Taraban argues that ‘and’ is expensive in finding a relationship. To “want a beautiful and intelligent woman who is family-oriented and sexually adventurous and emotionally supportive” (p. 300) is “a way of eschewing relationships in a socially acceptable way.” (p.300)

“This is why it is so important to be clear about what actually matters to you. If each additional ‘and’ makes the entire process significantly more expensive, then you want ot keep those ‘ands’ to the smallest possible number that still ensures a successful relationship.” (p. 302)

“..it’s a good idea to correlate the length of the hiring process with the duration of the proposed relationship: the more long-term the desired relationship, the longer the hiring process should be.” (p. 302)

“..if you don’t have a plan, it means that you’re part of someone else’s.” (p. 315)

“..women can conflate a man’s sexual interest for his willingness to commit because this is how they themselves tend to navigate selection. In this way, some women can devote years of their youth to men who have no real intention of ‘moving things forward.'” (p. 318)

“..it’s a good idea to approach data collection for sexual relationships indirectly, especially when vetting for a long-term relationship.” (p. 319) In other words, you can’t ask if a woman is a gold-digger, you have to take her on a vacation and stay in a cheap motel. You, as the man, as well as her, as the female, should be testing each other indirectly, especially towards the beginning of the relationship when it’s easier to exit.

Did you know I’m an author? I wrote four books on real estate investing, travel, and language learning.

“A man who has found his place in the world is not necessarily a good man or a wise man or a virtuous man: he is a man from whom people want things.” (p. 352)

Chapter 11 – Successful relationships

“..the presence of an attractive woman in a man’s life is one of the most reliable signals as to his status.” (p. 358)

The second half of this chapter is by far my favorite. Why? The author, in intellectual language, is arguing that for women to secure the best relationships (note I am not saying commitment) with high-value men that they need to open their legs early and often and do things sexually that normal women wouldn’t – but escorts would – do. Oh, and that the women should let the men sleep around, as that is their (the man’s) biggest point of hesitancy.

“Women can then engage these men in such a way as to indicate their attraction and to suggest that – should they take action – these men would be assured of a high-quality, no-commitment sexual experience.” (p. 348)

“The women who complain that there are no ‘good men’ around are often the same women who do not situate themselves among ‘good men.'” (p. 340)

It’s best to learn how to avoid blunders rather than achieve the optimal next move. The author then goes on to give the optimal moves:

“When…women turn 18 years old, they roughly fall into one of two camps: either they prioritize short-term relationships or ‘having fun,’ or they heavily invest in their education and career.” (p. 336) The author argues this is not the optimal decision because:

• a woman’s value decreases with time,
• she can decide on a career (if she wants) in her 30s, when her sexual value is much lower, and after having raised children, and,
• the men she is likely to interact with when she is 18 also value short-term fun (not to mention they are untested in the real world and she’d have to guess at his future success), as men generally are husband material in their 30s (and are now real-world tested). Women in the Western world today generally wait until they’re around 30 years old and have lost much of their starting advantages to expose themselves to men in their 30s.

Throughout the book, I thought the author had a subliminal message, but the academic way in which he writes didn’t allow me to confirm that idea until Chapter 11. Below represents an average woman’s value from 18 to 65 years old.

And below is, according to the author, that same curve, but for the average male.

While it’s understood that men gain in the sexual marketplace later in their lives, the chart below says that men’s peak SMV is at 50 years old. The author is 42 years old. In our current world, I disagree. The overwhelming majority of 50-year-olds are out of shape and haven’t taken much care of themselves physically for at least a decade. Maybe this is true in a world where men don’t marry and they stay physically fit and can maintain a good physical appearance into middle life. According to the chart, a 65-year-old has a higher SMV than a 35-year-old.

Last month, I was in Chicago, and while walking around the waterfront, I started a conversation with two young ladies. The more attractive one was 18 years old. While she was intrigued by our conversation, she asked my age. We went to dinner, but it was clear that she was not entirely comfortable with a man twice her age and had never been on such a date. She usually dates guys no older than mid-20s. Outside the USA, this stringent age gap difference doesn’t exist. According to the author, this 18-year-old should be more attracted to a 40-year-old than a 25-year-old, whom she usually dates.

The author gave himself and his subliminal message away with the sentence to introduce this section: “Since my thinly veiled subterfuge [deceit used in order to achieve one’s goal – totally unnecessarily obscure word] has already been compromised, I’ll dispose with any further attempts at deception.” (p. 350)

“All other things being equal, men achieve more success in the sexual marketplace by fishing, and women achieve more success by hunting.” (p. 366)

Chapter 12 – People Don’t Really Want Relationships

Taraban Relationship Prediction: “My prediction is that something akin to the gig economy will emerge in the sexual marketplace.” (p. 407)

“This is why poor folks from communities of assistance and strong interpersonal bonds. If you have little, you need other people; if you have a lot, you need other people less.” (p. 389)

“Once a critical mass of women was willing to have sex prior to commitment, the remainder were functionally forced to do so as well in order to stay competitive.” (p. 377-8) I’d love the author’s input on this topic. If a man is truly interested in a woman, and enjoys her company, then he’ll wait for sex. By not having sex, the woman is filtering out men who only want sex. My position is the opposite of the authors’.

The following quotes answer the question, so if people don’t want relationships, what do they want?

“..no person can be all people, and no actor can perform all roles. A caring mother might be a disinterested wife. A family man might not be monogamous.” (p. 402)

“..the function of a job is to provide people with the opportunity to earn money in exchange for a service. That’s it. Everything on top of that is additional weight that the institution of work was not designed to support. A job was never meant to be emotionally fulfilling, a source of meaning, or a container for passion. And it certainly wasn’t designed to be fun and exciting. Rather, jobs were created to provide people with the opportunity to earn money in exchange for a service. From this perspective, we can understand that it isn’t necessarily a problem when a job that pays well isn’t fulfilling: the problem resides in expecting fulfillment from a job that pays well.” (p. 402)

“The function of marriage is to provide a stable context for people to raise children. That’s it. Everything on top of that is additional weight that the institution of marriage was not designed to support. A marriage was never meant to be a partnership with your best friend, an exciting adventure with a lover, or a union with your soulmate..” (p. 402)

“..it isn’t necessarily a problem when, say, a co-parent doesn’t reciprocate sexual interest: the problem resides in expecting reciprocated sexual interest from a co-parent. This is why marriage fails: we want it to be more than it is, and so we expect our partners to be more than they are.” (p. 404)

“When marriages fail – or they languish in unvoiced desperation – we typically believe this is caused by some flaw in the individuals in question. This judgement is reinforced by the many platitudes that masquerade as effective relationship advice: improve your communication, never stop dating, learn to compromise, don’t go to bed angry. However, to my mind, it’s equally plausible to consider that marriages fail because of some flaw in the structure itself. Rather than judging each other for our apparent inability to meet the standards of modern marriage, maybe it’s finally time to judge modern marriage for its impossible high and often paradoxical) requirements.” (p. 404)

Special Note on Modern Relationships

The author takes a similar stance as many dating gurus and it’s for the masses. I think he is describing the general population. After all, that’s why so many marriages fail or look terrible from the outside. But this is not true for everyone. I know one married couple and I just asked them “your relationship looks like a 9 from the outside, how is it on the inside?” and she responded with a nine. Make sure you ask anyone you’re getting dating advice from this question. Then follow it up with: “When was the last time you apologized to your partner?” You don’t apologize to someone you hate. Even if you get an answer of an 8, 9, or 10, if they haven’t apologized within memory, the answer probably is overstated.

New Words!

Tautology (n) – saying the same thing twice in different words (people desire a high-value individual)

Thanks for visiting and thanks to Orion Taraban for writing The Value of Others!

Date Started: Sunday, June 8, 2025

Date Finished: Thursday, August 7, 2025 (60 days)