So you want a traditional relationship?

Always Talk Money on a 1st Date

“How’s your financial situation?” I asked her as best I could in Portuguese.

This led us, I suppose quite naturally, down the path of talking about relationships.

She tells me that she wants a husband who will provide financially for her.

“So you want a traditional relationship?”

Yes.

I was feeling frisky, some may say rude. I asked directly: “And what do you offer in return?”

I wanted to get to the point. I didn’t realize the interesting conversation it would lead to.

I stunned her with this question. I don’t think she had ever been asked such a question before.

In our world, the woman is taught that she is perfect the way she is, and the man should accept her as she is.

After a few back-and-forths, I said that traditionally, these relationships would have the woman manage the house.

I don’t cook or clean.

Love, Affection, and Loyalty

I continued my prodding: “Then what are you going to provide in the relationship?”

She listed intangible traits she would provide: affection and love and loyalty, etc.

That’s great. It is. They’re valuable. Every man wants those things. But there’s a problem.

When you decide what car to buy, it’s as if the salesman said, ‘well, this one will reliably get you from point A to point B.’ Yeah, so does every other car on the lot.

If I want an ordinary car, that sales pitch might work.

If I’ve worked my ass off to pay a premium price – I want the one that turns heads.

The one I want to drive.

The sexiest one.

I wish I had thought of this last night while sitting in Canton, a Peruvian and Chinese restaurant in Rio de Janeiro.

When the conversation was over, I don’t think I was able to communicate my idea to her brain.

I don’t think she understood that financial freedom in exchange for something every woman would say she provides – love, affection, loyalty – isn’t an attractive offer.

If financial freedom were easy, then everybody would be rich. There are 58 million millionaires on the planet, or 1.5% of the population.

It’s hard to earn a lot of money.

Oh, and by the way, I, as a man, will also offer affection, love, and loyalty.

So they cross each other out.

“The woman wants a man with money. What do you think the man wants?”

Money and Clever and Sexy and Feminine

All things being equal, the woman would choose 10 out of 10 times Rich Rick over Broke Bob.

There’s nothing wrong with that; quite natural.

“So what does the man want”?

What does every man on this planet want? It’s not a trick question.

I’ll tell you what I want. I want a sexy, feminine woman. And not the ‘I was born sexy and feminine’ mindset. I want a woman who knows what I want physically and wants to give that to me.

Men are visual. This is not controversial.

You want something controversial? Erectile Dysfunction is fake. Its symptom is a lack of attractiveness in the partner.

Men, if your woman doesn’t want to look as attractive to you as possible, you’ve got a BIG problem, or you’re not in a traditional relationship.

Remember, we’re talking about traditional relationships.

If both the man and the woman bring a salary, and they both offer love, affection, and loyalty, then other things go out the window. We’ll cover that irrational compromise later.

Women want money and a clever brain.

Men want a sexy body.

It is that simple.

Post Financial Freedom Realization

She turned the question back on me: How’s your financial position?

I answered as truthfully as I felt was necessary at this point in the conversation. Upon my answer, her attitude changed.

Turns out she does know how to cook. She said nothing fancy, but she could cook.

She said: I won’t be cleaning the house all day, but I can organize.

And, yes, she’s always wanted more muscle. And she’s almost there with a defined abdomen.

I saw the doggy dinner bowl eyes. She was now “in love” with me, or at least she could see herself being in love with me for however long I was financially secure.

Or at least that’s how I felt.

It’s a similar feeling I got, during a different interaction, when I clicked the 28th-floor penthouse button on the elevator with my date. “I think I’m in love,” this girl said a few hours later on her way home.

You see, the reason I’m single and have been single for so long, well, there are many reasons (sweat beads now forming on my forehead), but I would summarize it down to the following statement: I think in decades.

We’ll come back to that.

First, I wanted to know about her prior relationship.

A Prior Traditional Relationship

“..no person can be all people, and no actor can perform all roles. A caring mother might be a disinterested wife. A family man might not be monogamous.” (p. 402, The Value of Others)

I wanted to know if she’d been in a traditional relationship.

She had.

It was with a German man who provided for her financially. They lived together. He, like she, wanted a traditional relationship.

Sounds like a fairly tail, right?

Except, there was a big problem for her. He was trying to tell her how to dress.

This is a common complaint. It goes under the general category of males trying to control females.

I wanted to know how he wanted her to dress.

He thought the clothes I wore showed too much skin.

He would pull up my shirt if he felt it was too low.

Interesting!

To me, it sounds like this German man wanted a traditional relationship. I think there is a definitional miscommunication.

What is a Traditional Relationship?

Whether or not you believe a man wanting a woman to dress more conservatively than how she feels comfortable is beside the point for now. Let’s stay in Fact World. In this relationship, the boyfriend wanted her to dress more conservatively.

In a traditional relationship, the woman dresses conservatively. This means little skin showing.

What else defines a traditional relationship?

The man agrees to provide all the financial support. He also provides plenty of intellect.

Of course, he provides other things – support, love, affection – but she also provides those things.

Girls who want traditional relationships are not only drawn to the money but to the brain. They like financially secure and intellectual men.

After all, they’ve bred men to be more intelligent, having an IQ, on average, about 4 points higher than women.

The other night, I was at dinner with a friend and his girlfriend when he asked me what books I was reading. I told him a few and the related concepts. The following concept brought her from the other side of the table in this loud restaurant to have me repeat the following: if we assume that knowledge is infinite, then no matter how far we’ve come, we are always closer to the beginning than the end. (This is from The Beginning Infinity by David Deusch)

Women love and select for intellectual men. They love it even more when you don’t look the type.

In exchange for the financial security, which allows the woman the freedom from a job that she doesn’t want to work and gives her back 10+ hours daily, she will provide the following:

• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Curvaceousness

For me, cooking is not optional. For other men who want traditional relationships, I know it is, though it shouldn’t be (I will discuss below).

“I don’t want to cook” is exclusionary in terms of long-term dating potential for me. However, she can learn.

“I don’t know how to cook” is a fixable problem. She should want to learn. I cook. To share a meal with someone that you cooked is something special. What about the kids? Are you going to raise them on take-out meals?

The answer is no. Or, at least, it should be. You need to know the ingredients that are going into your child. You need to know the ingredients that go into your own body, too. You can only know the full set of ingredients when you buy the source product.

The importance of this can’t be understated for long-term health. It’s not just the act of cooking that I care about. But this is a topic for another blog. Let me know if you’d like to hear more about this thread.

Cleaning is also a requirement. Now, it doesn’t mean she’s in a maid’s uniform, crawling about the house aimlessly, waiting to dust or clean up after her man. It does mean that she doesn’t nitpick the man each time he doesn’t wash his dish or puts something back in the wrong place. It does mean that she takes out the trash. It does mean that she buys the groceries, makes the bed, and does the laundry, and have the home look welcoming and pleasant to be inside to create memories.

Finally, she needs to be as physically attractive to the man as she can be. This means different things for different men. For me, it means definition. Defined arms, defined stomach, defined legs. That is the symptom of tremendous work in the kitchen and in the gym over a period of years, maybe decades. It’s also tremendously physically attractive to me, not to mention the long-term health benefits that come along with it, better sex, better sleep, more experiences, etc. etc. etc.

She should want to be attractive to her man. After all, this isn’t a simple financial transaction. There needs to be love. She should look up to him, as he should look up to her…for separate things, most likely. She should want to be the best woman possible for him, as he should want to be for her..in their distinct roles.

There needs to be synergy. They need to make each other better.

In a traditional relationship, men want beauty, femininity, and class, and women want financial and physical security, and intellect.

Are Women Classist?

Women looking for a traditional relationship, I find to be classist. They would likely disagree.

But it does make sense. After all, they have to filter for the men they want to attract, just like men have to filter for the women they want.

Only that if women are filtering for financial success, they will likely want to meet a man from an upper-class background. This is the definition of classism.

Are men classist, too? In terms of our current discussion, no.

Men’s first filter is physical attraction, and a physically attractive woman may come from any socioeconomic background.

The hot girls don’t go to the blocos. They go to the paid parties.

My Brazilian Carnaval veteran friend informed me. CLICK. The lightbulb went on in my head.

Holy shit. Why I’m not meeting the woman I want is because they’re classist! I mean, it makes sense, but I had never put two and two together before.

The vast majority of my attempts to meet women is rejection. Why? I wish there were a formula to figure that out, but one of the reasons surely is the following.

“Bom Dia!” I said to the fit woman waiting to cross the street, hoping to initiate a conversation. By the way, she looked upper-class based on her clothing, her hair, etc. She was also coming out an expensive gym in the city.

She looked at me, ushered a fake smile across her face, and then took two steps forward, seemingly in favor of increasing her odds of getting run over by a car rather than entering into a conversation with this potentially lower-class man.

If you’ve browsed my website, you know I’m not a lower-class man, but you’d never guess looking at me on the street because I don’t show off with clothing or jewelry.

This day, I was wearing a basic tank top, athletic shorts, and cheap flip flops. She undoubtedly took this information in, which told her to ignore.

But this blog is not about where to meet women. Let me know if you’d like to hear more about that thread.

Why am I single?

I’m single because I think in decades.

It’s my version of women wanting a 666 man – 6-figures, 6-inches, 6-foot.

If a woman doesn’t cook, that is a disqualifier. If she doesn’t go to the gym, that is a bigger disqualifier than not cooking.

I’ve been on hundreds of dates. Do you want to know how many women knew how to cook well and were proud? I can remember three of them, and one is my best friend.

That’s 1.5%, assuming 300 dates.

I’ve been to the gym thousands of times. Actually, I’d like to estimate how many times if you’ll allow me. SIDEBAR

I’m 37.5 years old.

I’ve been going to the gym consistently since I was 15.5 years old.

Let’s say, on average, I went to the gym 180 days per year. Right now, I go on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, which is 156 days per year. Most years, I go 4 or 5 days per week, which would be 235 days per year.

That’s 3,960 gym sessions in my life. And the number of times I’ve seen my ideal body type: less than 15. Thin with muscle tone and a defined stomach.

That’s 0.4%.

END SIDEBAR

By my estimation, this limits my dating pool to no more than 0.54% of women, but I’d guess it’s much lower based on my lived experience.

And there’s another problem.

My type is the most desired. Some guys, over years of rejection, convince themselves out of it. Maybe they don’t need a defined stomach, they say. It’s natural to have some extra fat at 25 years old and be slightly overweight, they say. It’s part of life!

This means that if the girl fits into my type physically, she is a celebrity in her world (if not a bonafide celebrity), getting bombarded by offers in real life and digitally. This makes it even harder to stick out, especially as she’s unlikely to give a random guy in the coffee shop, gym, or street a chance to meet her, even if she happens to be walking on. the street, at a coffee shop alone, or in the gym without a trainer.

This is why I’m single. Because I refuse to settle. And I think in decades.

I think in decades

I’m thinking of 50-, 60-, 70-, 80-, 90-, 100-year old Danny..today. What will he need if he’s single? He’ll need a strong relationship with his brothers and nieces and nephews. He’ll need to be an expert in making friends. He’ll need to be healthy, physically and mentally.

And I’m applying those same strategies to my potential future woman. Normal nowadays is unhealthy. You are in a daily battle with your food to avoid all those harmful chemicals that have become commonplace. It won’t matter for a year or even a decade, similar to how one cigarette wouldn’t matter daily for a year or a decade. The body can withstand most things for two, three, or even four decades, but it will catch up to you.

What are your habits?

As you know, I’m 37 years old. I’ve cooked most of my meals for the past 10 years. I’ve been going consistently to the gym for 22 years. Minus college and living in San Francisco some years afterward, I have been going to bed around 10pm and waking up around 7am. Physically, says ChatGPT, I’m top 1% for my age group, yet never done steroids or anything physically questionable. I’ve never had a drug or otherwise addiction (well, maybe to coffee, which I do not think is as healthy as the experts claim).

I think I’m desirable. Happy with who I am. Most men would say a similar thing, yet they still have extreme dating difficulties. It’s not women’s fault, though. They can’t see any of these things at first glance, and their undiagnosed classism prevents them from giving otherwise good men a chance.

What about a relationship compromise?

“..most people seem to believe that if a relationship doesn’t last until death, it’s a failure. But the only relationship that’s truly a failure is the one that lasts longer than it should. The success of relationships should be measured by its depth, not by its length.” (From The Truth by Neil Strauss)

Absolutely! Speaking for myself – someone in favor of a traditional relationship – if I am to settle, I can do that, but this arrangement won’t include marriage.

I just had this conversation with a friend who suggested that lowering my standards would better allow me to find a relationship.

A compromise will not include dedicating myself to one woman for 5+ decades. I take marriage too seriously to disrespect it like that. Your partner has too significant an effect on your life expectancy and lifetime enjoyment. I won’t do it if there is any chance of a divorce.

A compromise can come in two forms: physical attraction or homemaking.

Let’s start with homemaking.

What if the woman does want to work a job, or a part-time job? Maybe she really does love sitting at a desk all day long in exchange for $22 per hour. Assuming the guy is down for it, a compromise would be made in that scenario. The man is no longer the only provider. Now they have two salaries.

That means they could exchange their money to have some random teenage girl raise their child in their most formidable years instead of the mother.

That means they could exchange their extra money to eat out more often or buy microwave meals and have some random corporation using harmful ingredients to nourish their child and themselves.

Obviously, that’s irrational, so let’s compromise on looks.

I know some women who I would happily provide for them financially to be the mother of my children. While they are not my physical type, they would be great mothers.

And that is the compromise most men make. They do marriage with a woman who they aren’t attracted to but believe she’d be a good wife or mother.

But men also want hot sex occasionally. Men want a physically beautiful woman. Compared to my peers, my sex drive is low. Sex once or twice a week, most weeks, is plenty for me. That low sex drive, AND even I’m talking about sex!

Even I, I’ll still want a sexy woman now and then to satisfy my male sexual needs. I won’t be going out looking for it. It won’t happen often. But I’m sure I’ll still want that occasionally. Of the few older men I know in their 50s, 60s, and 70s, they still have that drive; that pop in their talk with the cute barista.

This is why I don’t buy the common male argument, ‘oh, it changes dude. Your priorities change and sex no longer is important.’ BULLSHIT.

Sex is important. Maybe not the most important thing, but it’s essential. Image being stripped of it entirely for life? Not healthy.

Imagine if my sex drive were normal or, worse, high. I can’t imagine if I was a guy accustomed to sex daily to settle with a woman who I don’t find attractive and don’t want to have sex with at all. That arrangement is broken.

But in our matriarchal society, it is the main requirement: monogamy. When in reality, the mother of my children and my sexual fantasy are two vastly different things.

I guess I’m just not comfortable with how we’ve defined marriage in the 2000s.

Mother or Sexual Fantasy, Not Both

“‘Your problem is that you still think of love and sex as things that have to go together,’ his friend said. ‘You need to separate them. Start a family with a good platonic friend who’s your own age and keep sleeping with whoever you want.'” (From The Truth by Neil Strauss)

I would prefer to separate the mother of my child and my sexual fantasy. Why do they have to be the same?

Because a woman might not want a sexual fantasy when she’s older (do you, women?), doesn’t invalidate the man’s nature.

We don’t make women fight wars because that doesn’t make sense.

We don’t make men sacrifice their careers to raise children full-time because that doesn’t make sense.

I would prefer not to do certain things sexually to the mother of my child. But, you’re telling me, in the current marriage setup, that the mother of my child also needs to fully please me in the bedroom?

That. Does. NOT. Make. Sense.

It’s like telling me my exotic, wild, and unpredictable vacation home in Tulum needs to match my primary residence in Sheridan, Wyoming.

It’s possible but unlikely. And I’m a man of probabilities.

P.S. I recognize in a dozen years I may read this and feel regret or shame or something like that. But then again, that will likely be a theme no matter what I do today. Please pick apart my argument in the comments. I respond.